We moved from Portland, OR to Georgia quite a while ago. These were my thoughts as they were occurring on our cross-country excursion! It was one of the best “vacations” I have ever had in my life despite what should have been one of the worst things people can do – moving.
Day One – 10/07/2021
We woke up at a crisp 5:30 AM thinking we were ready to take the day on to do our last minute get-the-shit-out-of-our-place before it was off to the races! Suddenly it was 9:30 AM and I hadn’t even started loading the car…
We powered through the vacuuming and the cleaning and getting everything ready and then we were off!!!… To Starbucks!
Naturally, the person received Madi’s order of a hot green tea latte and proceeded to promptly drench it over ice with a smile! Typical.
We rounded out our start by going past our Portland apartment to see how bad it had gotten… It had gotten bad.
It was then time to go as far east as I had ever gotten in a drive: Hood River. We stopped at the Wal-Mart before delving deep into the east of Oregon.
As we continued east we found a tiny house being transported and a giant fossilized sperm being carried by a truck.
I visited the college with which I graduated from for the first time, which was neat, and then unceremoniously entered Idaho without realizing it.
We are now in Boise in a dog/cat friendly hotel getting ready to order takeout.
Extra Pictures
Day Two – 10/08/2021
We awoke to find ourselves in a damn sauna! Apparently the air conditioning was broken because we woke up in 76 degree heat despite cranking the AC to as low as it could go and the fact that it was incredibly cold outside. It is not stellar to awaken with a dog nestled on your side and a cat between your legs in a hot hot room.
I headed to the breakfast buffet first (we had to take our breakfast in shifts in order to keep watch on June). I waited about seven minutes to be seated. In the meantime a line began to form behind me. When the girl came out to me she immediately looked to one of the police regulars behind me and began flirting unabashedly. He told her that I was in front of him: she ignored him and continued her flirtation. The second police regular mentioned me as well and I just smiled. Not looking at me, she belched out the standard “for here or to go?” And I said here. She threw a ticket down next to me and said “sit over there” as she waved her arm behind her to god-knows-where before turning her attention back to where it clearly needed to be: the police regulars. I just picked a random seat in the area.
After I got back we took June on a much needed walk – the heat was getting to Madison in the sweltering room.
Boise was much prettier in the dawn than it was in the darkness. Apparently we were on a river front, with Canadian geese lining the area and a neat dam along the way.
We finally began our packing, this time preparing a bit better for necessities to bring in on the next stop so that it didn’t take multiple trips back to the car. After that we were back on the road; next stop: Salt Lake City.
As we continued forward, after about thirty minutes, there was a warning sign that claimed there was a “storm corridor” where I was headed… That was not a lie. The entire trip was marked with shower after shower of varying degrees between a light patter and an outright apocalypse of rain. The only time it would let up was when we would go to rest stops.
Speaking of rest stops, we ended up heading to a Starbucks in Twin Falls. We did NOT expect such exquisite scenery upon entering this place, but it was like driving over the great Valley from Land Before Time! There were water falls blessed in random nooks here and there, and tiny green lakes speckled around the bottom, with foliage marking it to look as perfect as possible.
The people of Twin Falls were another matter entirely. Apparently, when Madi went into the Twin Falls mall, she heard a mother screaming at her tiny kid that she was “done with this shit hole town and everyone in it” as loud and manically as humanly possible. I, too, went to the restroom there, but received no such tribulations.
We continued on in the soaking rain. Once again, like Idaho, we entered Utah without even noticing it. The beautiful rolling hills ought to have been a sign, but the rain covered them enough for me to be too distracted to notice.
We arrived in Salt Lake City and… This town… I had thought Portland had gotten bad but this was another level. We are staying near the airport, but I had to pick up some food downtown and that… Was a time. I’ve never had so many bad interactions in driving previously. I had people in cars next to me with their passengers staring me down and sizing me up, a methadone clinic with junkys casually walking in front of my car with no right-of-way whatsoever, a park lined similar to Lloyd Center area, and so much more. Naturally this is when I got lost, because apparently there are A LOT of Homewood Suites in SLC, all of which appeared on my GPS save THE ACTUAL ONE I NEEDED TO GO TO! I travelled to the one just outside the methadone clinic and then halfway to one in the opposite direction I needed to go before I called Madi to get the address to the one we were staying in. I got a lovely tour of the great Salt Lake without actually seeing the Great Salt Lake…
Anyway I ate too much Mexican food, which is why I write this on the toilet of our hotel room. Until tomorrow in the great city of Cheyenne, Wyoming: peace out!
Day Three – 10/09/2021
Despite SLC being my least favorite place to visit, it has had – by far – my favorite hotel. It had a full fridge, stove, the works! It was right next to a highway but, somehow, we couldn’t hear it in any meaningful way.
We left the hotel at around 7:30. We’ve gotten our packing back up down to a near science. I’m sure in 3 or 4 days we’ll have it all done in one trip, you know, because that’s when we are done with the trip. The trip started incredibly rainy. Basically SLC seemed to hate us, because as soon as we left the city the weather began to clear up.
The mountains of Utah were quite pretty but nowhere compared to how pretty it was when we entered Wyoming. At some points it felt as though we were driving a highway stationed on Luna! Words don’t do justice to the vast array of majesty that embodies the mellow planes of Wyoming.
Arriving at the hotel, however, was far from luxurious. This trendy garbage look that some hotels love so much is not the bag I’d like to purchase. These bold colors mixed with tiny rooms is horrific. Coupled with service workers that clearly hate their station in life and it makes for an incredibly unpleasant experience. At least the view is pretty good.
I also discovered a deep irrational fear of windmills. There is something so eerily out-of-place about them. Something foreign and… evil looking. Slowly creeping up on a hill only to find weird juts of spiky monstrosities plaguing the horizon just makes me sick. No thank you.
Oh and by the way! Sinclair Oil is really chapping my ass! Why is it you have a dinosaur on your logo but no t-shirts or hoodies or ANY paraphernalia for me to peruse and obviously buy because I buy anything with dinosaurs on it!?
Day Four – 10/10/2021
Because of the first night we’ve become in need of that sweet sweet demon that is the cold. The moment we enter a hotel room we run straight to the thermostat and make it as cold as it can possibly go. Madison relaxes that concept a bit but I continue to go balls to the wall with the cold – attempting the elusive sub 0 temp. Despite the kitschy garbage hotel that is nearly 50 square feet on a good day, it could really bring out the cold! Now my animals can try all they want to smother me with their love… it won’t bring my temperature up!
But boy did they try. By the time I woke up in the AM, getting out of bed felt like what King Arthur must have gone through to pull steel from stone. I was sandwiched like…. a sandwich!
I brought all of our stuff down to the car – stealthily with Mr. Smith since I hadn’t told the staff we had a cat (they didn’t ask!) – and we were on our way! I stopped at Sinclair’s. Pheh! At least this time there was a dinosaur statue that I really wanted to get a picture with but didn’t because I was being a sour bitch. Gas was the consolation prize.
There isn’t much to say about the latter half of the Wyoming trip, nor is there much to write home about with Nebraska. At one point we were trying to find a place to go to the bathroom and ended up in Colorado, though, so that’s something. The scenery was very similar to that of travelling to the Coast of Oregon except quite a bit flatter and more corn involved.
Once we arrived in Lincoln, where we currently are now, we saw a penitentiary near the hotel we were headed, which didn’t particularly bode well. Luckily we passed it by and the hotel is actually quite possibly the best one we’ve had yet. Smith and June are particularly stoked.
Also I had a delicious Club Sandwich. The End.
Day Five – 10/11/2021
We’ve become accustomed to the Walmarts of the world. Each one brings a small slice of what little pieces the state has to offer. Whether or not that’s an unfair assessment is up to you, but there are certainly differences to each one we’ve gone to throughout. It’s also a safe way to know exactly where the bathroom is, which is ultimately the reason we’ve been going to them.
Missouri’s Walmart was about as bad as it could get. We went to two, in fact. One was trash – filled with men that wanted to intimidate me through stares – the other had trashy people talking about how trashy the people in it were.
We started our trip late this time. A rather large storm loomed in front of us, and we didn’t really want to spend six and a half hours mired in a deluge of wind and rain, so we opted to attempt a wait out. By in large it worked! We only hit rain a couple times, while seeing on the doppler just how narrowly we were missing the storm. This was a relief, because I really wanted to see the amazing views that…. I can’t even pretend, the views were simply more of the same. Missouri was not my favorite state. In fact I can’t pinpoint a single thing I actually liked about it.
I guess I liked Kansas City a little bit before – upon entering it – I almost ran a red light and plunged us straight into a semi, cutting our wonderful journey short. Luckily Madison, my esteemed camerawoman, was able to capture that glorious moment (video below or wherever Facebook puts it on your medium). Don’t worry. We’re alive or whatever.
Tonight is my first night I’ve had drinks, mainly because I’m being stingy about it and waited until I could get some for free. Thanks, Embassy Suites!
Day Six – 10/12/2021
We hath arrived in that place they call “The South”. And it is good. With the exception of a few nights in Ft Lauderdale awaiting either the boarding of a cruise ship or the boarding of a plane, this is only the second time I’ve been to the south. I’ve always believed this notion that it has the best food in America but there has also always been that nagging piece of me that took it with a grain of salt. What does “the best” even mean, and how can it compare to what I know to be good? Is it similar to how New York allegedly has “the best” pizza? Because I had new york pizza. It’s cheese pizza… what the fuck can you do that makes it some how incredible? New York Pizza is a bunch of clap trap. However, with the south, I can finally put that to bed with a single turkey sandwich I had a couple hours ago. The South has the best food in America.
We awoke in the Embassy Suites and I had to take June to the bathroom. She became terrified of the elevator because it has a glass wall looking down into the lobby and “HOW IN THE HELL DOES THE GROUND GROW UP LIKE THAT” she must be thinking. So instead I’ve been required to start taking her up and down four flights of stairs, which adds up over multiple pee and poo sessions. Add to that broken pieces of licorice as a miniature obstacle course for my ADD and food loving dog and it spells an exhausted Dan.
Anyway she did her business for the last time in the morning and then I got to have some breakfast. St Louise Embassy suites has some good as hell sausages and potatoes and strawberry yogurt but it wasn’t anything insanely special.
I was ready to get out of Missouri, so we left somewhat early. This was a nice day because it was one of the shorter ones. Funnily enough however, was the fact that we were travelling through the most states.
Missouri: Nothing I didn’t already talk about yesterday. We saw the arch and went over a neat bridge but that was that.
Illinois: I wasn’t particularly impressed with this place until we got to the rest stop. The moment we opened the door to our car the blasting sound of Cicadas was a welcome refreshment. I hadn’t expected that until we entered the south, but we got an early bird special apparently. When Madi went to the loo, June and I just stood there absorbing the cacophony of sound that walled around us. From the birds cooing at one another to the cicadas in the background to the crickets in the tree nearby, I was impressed. It was a distinctly different yet incredibly welcomed sound.
Kentucky: No bourbon. Disappointing. Just kidding, Kentucky was fine. We ended at a Walmart that very much made me realize I was in Kentucky. From the women expressing “Oh My Stars” to the Camo on nearly everyone to the guy hocking a loogie as he exited the Walmart. I was ready for it.
Tennessee: Much prettier than Kentucky. It was wild to go from almost no trees to trees everywhere! It makes me think about how people always talk a big game about Oregon being so pretty because trees are everywhere, but there are just as many trees here as there are there.
We arrived at the hotel in Murfeesboro, just outside Nashville, a few hours ago. Also a few hours ago we obtained a Turkey Sandwich, Baked Beans, and Macaroni and Cheese from Nic N’ Jim’s Bar-B-Q. I saw god when I ate that sandwich.
Tomorrow we arrive in GA, our final destination. I have had a great time on this trip but I am definitely ready for it to be over. I’m genuinely hoping this is the last time I have to lug a cat and dog across the country.
Days Later – 10/15/2021
This one chronicles the day we arrived but was made on a later date. It also romanticizes the south FAR too much, hahaha! – Dan 06/21/2024
My apologies. I say that now because when I say “My apologies” I get a “NO apologies necessary” in the south instead of someone simply looking at me as if I were some sort of failed science experiment.
That said, my apologies. I neglected to write a travel log for day seven and day of arrival as well as today’s day of travel. A day of neglect is a day of neglect, and things must be rectified.
We left Murfreesboro in the morning semi-not-so-early because we really didn’t need to because, lets be honest, our destination was only a few hours out. We travelled through Tennessee into Georgia with little fanfare save the beautiful vistas that will be accompanied with this post.
There’s honestly not much to say. The mountains were misty and beautiful and when we arrived we almost immediately felt at home. There’s not much to say. This is a great place to be. The End.
Ginothy Tonic 
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